Americans are projected to spend more than $600 billion during the 2013 holiday shopping season. Here is a breakdown of the average American consumer’s Christmas spending:

•$80: Outdoor Christmas lights that prove you’re a fuckin’ somebody

•$11: A corn-husk doll, new sewing patterns, and a small sack of brown sugar for the daughter of the family

•$1,700: Candy canes

•$110: Cocaine to stay up and watch for Santa

•$10: Something for middle child

•$24: Digital picture frame that will give Grandma something to struggle with until she dies

•$140: Peppermint spice gasoline for holiday travel

•$0: Another pocket-watch-for-hair-combs/hair-for-watch-chain fuckup again

•$25: Elf poison

•$0.06: One green and one red M&M

•$8,000: Christmas dinner appearance fee for Pierce Brosnan

•$517.83: New gaming console and impulse-buy Snickers,34714/