Everybody’s talking about “racists,” but no one agrees on the word’s definition. Do racists hate other races? Do they fear them? Is it racist to make fun of other races? To cynically pander to them?
The meaning is elusive because racism exists on a spectrum. Look carefully, though, and you’ll start to notice certain patterns.
Here are twelve handy peel-and-paste labels you can stick on any racists you come across:
1. THE HATER RACIST
Hates for the sake of hating.
The Hater Racist seethes with misanthropic disgust for all that is not him. You’ll find this Id-driven bigot spitting venom at your local bar or gleefully trolling the comments section.
Nasty, dehumanizing slurs roll off his forked tongue for the sadistic pleasure of offending sensitive people. He gets off on triggering your revulsion reflex. It’s about control. His reptilian mind constructs a subhuman parade of “bamboo-chewing sleepwalkers,” “needle-dicked bird turds,” or “melon-eating mooncrickets.” He’d blow Hitler’s corpse just to see you squirm.
2. THE DATABASE RACIST
Wired for cold logic and robo-voice:
Genetics determine intelligence. Ice Age conditions culled simpler brains from the Northern Hemisphere. Agriculture selected for more complex brains.
Asians and Europeans, on average, have higher IQ scores than sub-Saharan Africans. Modern economic success is determined by intelligence. Both are inversely correlated with crime.
More American blacks occupy housing projects and prison cells than whites per capita—and more Asian Americans are mathematic rock stars—because of natural selection. Refer all social justice complaints to Mother Nature.
But wait, what if poor test scores and higher criminality are influenced by poverty and alienation? Isn’t there a parallel with plants deprived of sunlight? How do genetics explain historical fluctuations?
Twin studies. Margins of error. Logical fallacy. Does not compute.
3. THE RELIGIOUS RACIST
Also known as “The D&D Racist”—as in elves, humans, dwarves, and ogres.
The Religious Racist imagines racial variation the same way: a Creator magicked up various peoples and then segregated each according to their kind.
The biblical “Curse of Ham” was used to justify African slavery. After the Flood, each of Noah’s three sons founded his own distinct bloodline. But not before Ham glimpsed his drunken father’s ding-a-ling. The self-conscious Patriarch cursed the boy’s progeny, saying, “lowest of slaves shall he be to his brothers.” Ham’s dark-skinned descendants went on to populate Africa and sail to the Americas in chains. It says so right here in the Bible.
The Nation of Islam teaches that six millennia ago the mad scientist Yakub engineered genetically degenerate “white devils.” These pale mutant monkeys ran amok and will continue to use their “tricknology” to wreak havoc across the planet until Allah sends liberators in a spaceship…
Nobody told these moldy yarn-spinners that every great D&D quest begins with a ragtag band of race-mixers.
4. THE JOINER RACIST
Takes refuge under a kinship banner.
Unwilling to sort through complicated social landscapes and the subtleties of moral character, Joiner Racists determine fellowship on the basis of blood and soil, plain and simple. It’s like a genetic Order of Odd Fellows. No fence-sitters allowed.
By signing on the dotted line, he gets bumped up to the ethnic VIP list, and really, who could blame him? If your personal genius amounts to zero, why not take collective credit for the Renaissance, the Aztec Empire, or the Great Pyramids?
5. THE PRISON RACIST
Got forced off the fence.
If you take two different species of marine sponges, run them through a sieve, and toss the individual cells into the same Petri dish, they separate and reaggregate into sponges of their own kind. So do shirtless dudes out in the yard.
Prison gangs pick teams based on Nature’s original jersey: skin tone. They gather into the Aryan Brotherhood, Nuestra Familia, and the Black Guerrilla Family. Inmates may mingle across bloodlines, but when shit gets heavy, a man is loyal to “family”—or else.
This is cited as evidence that racial solidarity is a hardwired instinct. “Universal human nature” emerges when you cram feral males into a concrete terrarium, deprive them of females, give them bologna and barbells, and observe their patterns of violence.
6. THE STEREOTYPICAL RACIST
Distills the wild diversity of homo sapiens into easily conceived caricatures.
7. THE COMICAL RACIST
Comes up with jokes to make The Stereotypical Racist laugh…