by Stanton Peele
If you have the Buddhist gift of living in the here-and-now, share it. It’s your friends’ best, perhaps only, hope.
Before I tell you more about how to cure your friends’ alcoholism, based on my experiences in my local bar in Brooklyn, let me dispatch with the worlds of alcoholism/addiction treatment and alcohol policy. Don’t worry—it won’t take long!
A few decades ago, the world’s most famous alcohol epidemiologist and policy wonk* wrote the following:
“In comparing Scotland and the United States, on the one hand, with developing countries like Mexico and Zambia … we were struck with how much more responsibility Mexicans and Zambians gave to family and friends in dealing with alcohol problems, and how ready Americans and Scots were to cede responsibility for these human problems to official agencies or to professionals. . .
Studying the period since 1950 in seven industrialized countries (including California), a period in which alcohol consumption grew, we were struck by the concomitant growth of treatment provision in all these countries. The provision of treatment, we felt, became a societal alibi for the dismantling of long-standing structures of control of drinking behavior, both formal and informal.”
In other words, as we look to treatment to solve our addiction problems, we export them to Betty Ford, without realizing that the only solution is for families and friendship groups to change altogether. Our dominant narrative is both wrong and the major cause of our national addiction epidemic.
Now that I’ve resolved America’s misguided treatment fixation, let me return to my local bar, where I hang out with a couple of musicians, occasionally joined by one of their wives (who grew up in Europe).
The three of them probably drink too much—but none is an alcoholic. All of them are too involved with their work, their marriages, their friendships with one another and others in the community to fall into that category.
I am closest to one of these men. He is a highly respected musician who is always working. In addition, he throws himself into his friendships, his marriage, and the accoutrements of his life, including alcohol and food. My friend is a true-life philosopher, one from whom I gain daily affirmations. He’s not Buddhist. But his thinking contains strong Buddhist elements.
While he claims to believe my views, I don’t think really understands them. He knows I’m anti-AA and pro-harm reduction. But he doesn’t get the essence of my ideas about addiction.
He does, however, illustrate them perfectly in the way that he lives his life.
Buddhist Vignette #1—Addiction Is In the Life, Not the Thing
My friend, during a discussion with a third person, asks me, “Are painkillers addictive?”
I answer: “Have you ever taken painkillers?”
“Yes, but I don’t like them, and I try to stay away from them.”
I then launch into my rap about how the psychiatric manual, DSM-5, calls only one thing an addiction: gambling.
My friend: “Really? I could never sit somewhere throwing money away on gambling. It has no appeal for me.”
Buddhist moral: Addiction is not in the thing. It is in the life and outlook of the person who uses the thing. (Although, their addictions are not them.)
Buddhist Vignette #2—The Perfection of Imperfection
My friend decides to go hardware shopping. He ends up at the bar with me.
“My wife [she doesn’t go to the bar] is cleaning up our office, putting everything into piles. But then I can never find anything! I like stuff splayed around the room!”
“Anyhow, in order to get out of there, I told her I’d go out to buy some storage bins. She said, ‘Don’t make any detours!’”
“But the bar is directly on the route I was going!“ (Big horse-laugh.)
He then proceeds on a discourse about Brooklyn hardware and bargain supply stores where he shops, while he has one beer, then leaves.
Buddhist moral: My friend married his wife after he had decided he would probably end up single. “Then I stopped searching for perfection. I also abandoned the idea that I had to be the knight in shining armor for a woman. She’s fine the way she is. And I’m good enough. I revel in the perfection of our imperfection.”
Buddhist Vignette #3—Finding Life on Side Streets (Yet Having Purpose)
My friend announced enthusiastically at the bar: “I found the best Mexican restaurant on Sunday, over on 14th Street! My wife wanted to go to Costco, which is a couple of miles away. I said, ‘We should walk.’ and she agreed.”
“On the way back, we took a little side street I didn’t know about, and we found the greatest little Mexican restaurant. They make all the ingredients themselves.”
He proceeds with a loving description of every dish they had, and how cheap each one was…