Should You Masturbate at Work? Some Considerations

Apparently almost everybody is doing it. Should you?

by Tracy Moore

Fapping is the new smoke break. Masturbating at work is a “great way to relieve stress and tension,” a psychology prof at Nottingham Trent University said recently, not to mention a “great self-motivational reward.” A 2015 survey from Time Out that found that some 40 percent of New Yorkers masturbate on the job keeps recirculating on the internet, as does a 2012 survey from Glamour that put that figure closer to 31 percent. Either way, look around the office: Easily a third to nearly a half of the people you’re grabbing coffee next to in the break room are devoting some amount of their work day to stroking it. Should you be one of them? Ask yourself these questions.

Do you really have to do this?

Sure, you’re batshit horny, or thinking about your latest sexual fixation. But let’s think this one through: You ostensibly live in some sort of dwelling with a more traditional sense of privacy than any job is going to offer (outside of manning a lighthouse). It’s called your house. Is work really your best location for becoming fully erect and massaging your member to completion?

FINE, you really have to. But can you be super fucking quiet?

We assume that unless you’re a particularly breathy masturbator, you ostensibly have years of practice beating off in tomblike silence.

Does everyone clear out in your office in the afternoon so you have the place all to yourself?

According to one chronic work masturbator who has masturbated at work a few times a week for years, this is your best bet for jerking on the clock. He told me he often arrives at work late and stays later than most of his colleagues, so once everyone is gone, it’s into the bathroom and out with the laptop. (Note: He’s still not dumb enough to beat it right out in the open. You shouldn’t be either.)

Do you work for a giant corporation in a building with whole wings under construction, or an office space so vast that there are routinely free, unoccupied entire floors and/or empty offices with reliably locking doors?

The chronic masturbator told me that, second to a totally empty office late in the day, finding an unoccupied floor or office with a locking door is your next-best bet for employed masturbatory bliss, assuming you don’t get stumbled on by a janitor or realtor trying to show the place.

Does your office have a single-use stall with a reliably locking door?

It’s private, and there’s a reasonable amount of time you could sneak away to do the deed, no questions asked.

Can you get it done in under five to 10 minutes so as not to elicit any suspicion?

Take too long and someone’s going to need that bathroom and start asking questions.

If it’s a multi-stall bathroom, can you be quiet, efficient and contain any potential “jerking-off” shadows, or at least make them look like a nervous tic (e.g., a foot shake), knowing there’s someone sitting right beside you?

This is still doable, believe it or not. “I like to pick a stall in the public bathroom,” Patrick, a 40-year-old government worker, told us last year about his affection for work jerking. “Usually, there aren’t a lot of people around. But sometimes I have to wait for neighbors to leave.”…



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