WHY DO NARCISSISTS ABUSE THOSE THEY LOVE?

by Soren Dreier

One of the most difficult things to understand in life is how someone who professes to love you can then go on to abuse you.  Many people feel traumatized and confused after a romantic relationship with an abusive Narcissistic partner ends. They wonder: “We were so in love, yet he went from telling me that I was the love of his life to treating me like garbage. He cheated on me.  He devalued me.  He embarrassed me in front of our friends.  How can I trust anyone again, if I so badly misjudged this person?”

If you have ever been abused by a Narcissistic mate or lover and now are out of the relationship, you may be wondering how you could have made such a big mistake—and how you can avoid doing it again in the future.

The good news is that most people with Narcissistic Personality Disorder are very predictable.  They tend to follow the same relationship pattern over and over again.  And, unlike common perceptions about Narcissists, most are not very devious.  Narcissists are continually signaling that they are Narcissists.  You can learn to recognize the early signs that the new love of your life is a Narcissist by paying close attention to how they behave towards you in each stage of the relationship. Then it is up to you to decide if you want to continue the relationship. Here are some of the basics that you need to know:

Why Are Narcissists Prone to Being Abusive?

When people have a Narcissistic Personality Disorder, two things interact to predispose them to be abusive:

They are low on emotional empathy.

Emotional empathy is the capacity to feel what another person is feeling (or what you imagine that the person is feeling).  Having emotional empathy decreases the likelihood that you will want to hurt other people because you will literally feel some of their pain.  Without emotional empathy, you have less motivation to pay attention to the pain that your words and actions are causing your partner.

Narcissists can have “intellectual empathy” without also having emotional empathy. Intellectual empathy is the ability to cognitively understand that you are causing the other person pain. Intellectual empathy requires that you stop and think about what the other person might feel in response to your actions. Narcissists, therefore, can understand that they may be causing you pain, but they have less motivation to care because they are not feeling anything negative themselves.

They lack “whole object relations” and “object constancy.”

One of the main reasons that people abuse others that they profess to love is that they lack “whole object relations” and “object constancy.” Briefly defined: “Whole object relations is the capacity to see oneself and other people in an integrated and realistic way as having a mix of good and bad qualities, some that you like and others that you dislike. If you have “whole object relations” you can accept that someone is not perfect and still value the person for the good qualities that he or she has.

“Object constancy” is the ability to maintain your positive emotional connection to someone that you care about while you are feeling angry, frustrated, disappointed, or hurt by the person. Having “object constancy’ helps you rein in your impulses to hurt someone during a fight.  Not having “object constancy” makes people more likely to be willing to emotionally and physically damage their mate.

NOTE: Not all people with Narcissistic Personality Disorder are equally abusive. Narcissists range from those who put you on a pedestal and then verbally devalue you when they realize you are not the perfect being that they expected you to be, to people who physically abuse their mates and try and control their every move—who they see, what they spend money on, how often they speak to their family.

The Three Stages of the Narcissistic Relationship Abuse Pattern

Although there are Narcissists who are “players” and not looking for a serious long-term relationship, many people with Narcissistic disorders do want to settle down and get married. Unfortunately because they lack whole object relations, they tend to be extremely unrealistic about what they expect in a mate. They have only two categories, perfect and flawed.

Perfect = You are pleasing me right now.

Flawed = You are doing something that I do not like right now.

As a result, instead of finding the perfect relationship that they crave, Narcissists end up repeating what I think of as “The Narcissist Relationship Abuse Pattern” over and over again. Each relationship stage has its own form of Narcissistic abuse that you can learn to spot. Below are the three basic stages, the type of Narcissistic abuse typical of that stage, and the behaviors that predict the abuse…

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http://sorendreier.com/why-do-narcissists-abuse-those-they-love/

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Where Did All the Superyachts Go?

PHOTO ILLUSTRATION BY THE DAILY BEAST

French tax regulations mean yachting money is draining away from Monaco and the South of France, and washing up in other European countries like Spain, Italy, Greece, and Turkey.

That is the question that locals and business owners in the south of France are asking this summer.

And the answer appears to be: ItalyGreeceTurkey, and Spain.

Casting an eye across the limpid surface of the Mediterranean this August from the beaches of Monaco, St. Tropez, or Antibes in the south of France, there is a noticeable dearth of the massive, multimillion-dollar yachts which are usually such a feature of high summer in le Midi, as natives call the south of France.

As Nancy Heslin, a Canadian-born reporter who covers the region, told The Daily Beast, “I was in Monaco the other day going to a meeting, and I was half-looking for a great yacht to snap for Instagram. But it is really noticeable that they are not as plentiful as previous years. Nice Matin and Monaco Matin always used to have front page photos saying which big yacht was here, but they haven’t been able to do that so much this year.”

While the ongoing presence of €10 cups of coffee and €1000 bottles of Champagne might serve to reassure the casual observer that the region is still as attractive to the sun-loving super-rich as it ever was, appearances can be deceptive.

Talk to locals involved in the multibillion-euro yachting sector—and in the south of France that’s nearly everyone, in some trickle-down shape or form, as yachting is by some measures the biggest earner in the region after hotels and wine—and you detect a sinking feeling.

Their discomfort is due to the fact that, despite the opulent optics, beneath the azure waters, trouble is brewing.

More and more yachting money is draining away from Monaco and the south of France—and washing up in other European countries such as Spain, Italy, Greece, and Turkey.

The core reason for the superyacht exodus is financial; France has tightened up on previously lax tax regulations for the captains and crew members of yachts who officially reside in France, and often have families on the mainland, but traditionally have evaded all tax by claiming they were earning their salary offshore.

The country has also taken a hard line on imposing 20 percent VAT on yacht fuel sales, which often used to be dodged. Given that a typical fill can be around €100,000, it is understandable that many captains are simply sailing around the corner to less pernickety jurisdictions.

Revenue at the iconic marina in Saint-Tropez has, according to a worried letter sent to President Emmanuel Macron by three of the Riviera’s most prominent politicians (Renaud Muselier, the president of the Riviera region, Christian Estrosi, the mayor of Nice, and Hubert Falco, the mayor of Toulon) fallen by 30 percent since the beginning of the year, while Toulon, a less glamorous destination, has suffered a 40 percent decline.

“The gravity of the economic situation of the yachting sector in the Provence-Alps-Riviera region makes it necessary for us to appeal for your direct intervention,” they said in the open letter to Macron released to the media.

They stated that refueling a 42-meter yacht in Italy (instead of France) “gives a saving of nearly €21,000 a week because of the difference in tax.”

Sales by the four largest marine fuel vendors has fallen by 50 percent this summer, the letter said, adding that French “yachties”—an inexperienced 19-year-old deckhand makes around €2,000 per month and a good Captain can command €300,000—were being laid off in droves, as, due to the new tax rules, national insurance, health and other compulsory contributions which boat owners pay for crew members have increased from 15 to 55 percent of their wages.

The letter stated that “the additional cost of maintaining a seven-person crew in France is €300,000 (£268,000) a year.”

Nicholas Edmiston, the founder of the eponymous luxury yacht brokerage Edmiston, told The Daily Beast, “Just a week ago we had a yacht on charter that had to refuel in France instead of Italy because of a delay, and it cost an extra €40,000 in VAT

“Of course the people who own these yachts can probably afford to pay more, but they prefer not to.

“But the real issue now is that the French want to collect tax from crew. A lot of crew living on boats all over the world have wives and family living ashore, in France, benefiting from the largesse of the French state in terms of education and welfare and even benefits…

more…

http://www.thedailybeast.com/where-did-all-the-superyachts-go

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When exorcists need help, they call him

 

The 1973 film "The Exorcist" shaped how many see demonic possession.

The 1973 film “The Exorcist” shaped how many see demonic possession.

As the priests began to pray, the woman slipped into a trance — and then snapped to life. She spoke in multiple voices: One was deep, guttural and masculine; another was high-pitched; a third spouted only Latin. When someone secretly sprinkled ordinary water on her, she didn’t react. But when holy water was used, she screamed in pain.
“Leave her alone, you f***ing priests,” the guttural voice shouted. “Stop, you whores. … You’ll be sorry.”
You’ve probably seen this before: a soul corrupted by Satan, a priest waving a crucifix at a snarling woman. Movies and books have mimicked exorcisms so often, they’ve become clichés.
But this was an actual exorcism — and included a character not normally seen in the traditional drive-out-the-devil script.
Dr. Richard Gallagher is an Ivy League-educated, board-certified psychiatrist who teaches at Columbia University and New York Medical College. He was part of the team that tried to help the woman.
Fighting Satan’s minions wasn’t part of Gallagher’s career plan while he was studying medicine at Yale. He knew about biblical accounts of demonic possession but thought they were an ancient culture’s attempt to grapple with mental disorders like epilepsy. He proudly calls himself a “man of science.”
Yet today, Gallagher has become something else: the go-to guy for a sprawling network of exorcists in the United States. He says demonic possession is real. He’s seen the evidence: victims suddenly speaking perfect Latin; sacred objects flying off shelves; people displaying “hidden knowledge” or secrets about people that they could not have possibly have known.
“There was one woman who was like 90 pounds soaking wet. She threw a Lutheran deacon who was about 200 pounds across the room,” he says. “That’s not psychiatry. That’s beyond psychiatry.”
Gallagher calls himself a “consultant” on demonic possessions. For the past 25 years, he has helped clergy distinguish between mental illness and what he calls “the real thing.” He estimates that he’s seen more cases of possession than any other physician in the world.
“Whenever I need help, I call on him,” says the Rev. Gary Thomas, one of the most famous exorcists in the United States. The movie “The Rite” was based on Thomas’ work.
“He’s so respected in the field,” Thomas says. “He’s not like most therapists, who are either atheists or agnostics.”
Gallagher is a big man — 6-foot-5 — who once played semipro basketball in Europe. He has a gruff, no-nonsense demeanor. When he talks about possession, it sounds as if he’s describing the growth of algae; his tone is dry, clinical, matter-of-fact.
Possession, he says, is rare — but real.
“I spend more time convincing people that they’re not possessed than they are,” he wrote in an essay for The Washington Post.
Some critics, though, say Gallagher has become possessed by his own delusions. They say all he’s witnessed are cheap parlor tricks by people who might need therapy but certainly not exorcism. And, they argue, there’s no empirical evidence that proves possession is real.
Still, one of the biggest mysteries about Gallagher’s work isn’t what he’s seen. It’s how he’s evolved.
How does a “man of science” get pulled into the world of demonic possession?
His short answer: He met a queen of Satan.
more…
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Sam Shepard in Love, on Love

“There can be a real meeting between two people at the point where they always felt marooned. Right at the edge.”

Of the varied threads of connection that can stretch between two people — threads of innumerable thicknesses, textures, and hues, so difficult to classifyand in such constant evolution — which do we get to call “love”? Perhaps love can never be defined in the singular, for it is utterly singular to each person in each relationship at each moment in time — we each love different loves, constantly navigating and negotiating the infinite continuum of meaning with which this one small, enormous word is imbued.

In the history of literature, valiant attempts at definition abound, but perhaps those of them that seem to cut to the heart of the mystery — Rilke’sTom Stoppard’sShel Silverstein’sSusan Sontag’sAnaïs Nin’sAlain Badiou’s — simply resonate with where we ourselves are at a particular moment in time, in a particular phase of a particular relationship.

One of the richest, most powerful definitions I’ve encountered, exploring love as a union of two sovereign alonenesses and a mutual awakening to dormant parts of each self, comes from the polymathic playwright Sam Shepard (November 5, 1943–July 27, 2017) in Two Prospectors: The Letters of Sam Shepard and Johnny Dark (public library) — the great dramatist’s correspondence with his dearest friend, former father-in-law, and spiritual brother.

Both men belonged to “The Work” — a movement of gatherings based on the spiritual teachings of George Ivanovich Gurdjieff, whose philosophy was rooted in the idea that although our default state is a sort of waking sleep, we are capable of waking up. In 1982, Shepard met the actor Jessica Lange on the set of the film Frances, in which he had a supporting role. Lange earned an Academy Award nomination and won Shepard’s heart — the two entered into an immediate and intense romance that effected, as Shepard wrote to Dark, mutual awakening. On St. Patrick’s Day the following year, shortly after the premiere of his play Fool for Love, Shepard moved into Lange’s cabin in Northern Minnesota near Bob Dylan’s birthplace, which he described to Dark as “a town right out of Kerouac.”

In a letter penned twelve days later, Shepard writes from the thralls of something far deeper and more powerful than infatuation:

I love this woman in a way I can’t describe & a feeling of belonging to each other that reaches across all the pain. It’s as though we’ve answered something in each other that was almost forgotten. I look back on that whole ten years in California & I see myself hunting desperately for something I wasn’t finding. I know the Work point of view is the only true one. That life is inside. That nothing outside can ever finally answer our yearning. I know that’s true but, in some way, finding Jessie has reached something inside me. A part of me feels brand new — re-awakened.

With a keen awareness of our human curse to metabolize everything, to habituate to even the most transcendent experiences, Shepard adds:

I know even this will change. There’ll be moments of deep regret maybe. But life is a gamble. I felt the weight of that the first time I left home for good. I walked out of that house into the unknown & it scared the shit out of me but the adventure of hitting life straight on was a thrill I’ll never forget. I feel that now — along with the fear. But I see the fear stems from being alone in the world & it has a new meaning for me now. You can be alone in the midst of people or you can be alone & join with the other one’s aloneness. There can be a real meeting between two people at the point where they always felt marooned. Right at the edge. And that’s how it is with me & her.

Shepard and Lange’s daughter, Hannah, was born three years later, followed by a son, Walker. The couple remained together for the nearly three decades…

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https://www.brainpickings.org/

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CROW’S GOD: EGO DISSOLUTION AND THE EVOLUTION OF THE SELF

By Gary ‘Z’ McGeeStaff Writer Waking Times

“To fall in love is to create a religion that has a fallible god.” ~Jorge Luis Borges

“Trickster god is god’s God,” Crow says, peering from behind The Branches of Lost Time. These branches are a metaphor for our misremembered synapses. They symbolize our having lost touch with both our own nature and with wild Nature, our forgotten link between cosmos and psyche, our misunderstanding of how we-the-microcosm makes up a vital aspect of We-the-macrocosm.

Crow is here to remind us. But Crow’s medicine is harsh. It is ruthless: a tearing apart, a torn off Band-Aid. For Crow is between worlds like no other creature. His moon-eye sees the light. His sun-eye sees the dark. And his shadow is the grayest thing in the universe: The Middle-gray, the Middle Way, casting itself over and above all things. Smearing out yin-yangs, he reveals how nothing is separate; how everything is connected to everything else in a glorious melting down of black and white, dark and light, life and death, finitude and infinity.

Crow is here to remind us that we need to get over ourselves. He is a black beacon in a room filled with blinding light. He’s the Dark Truth in the sugar-coated ointment. He is here to trick us out of unconsciousness. He is here to crucify the ego. But more importantly, he is here to resurrect it as a mighty tool for the self-actualized Soul.

Ego Dissolution

“Buddha is dead. God is dead. The path is littered with insufferable egos. Even your own ego has an enlightened sword penetrating through its self-righteous heart, and your soul is all the stronger for it.” ~Seven Signs You May Be Unfuckwithable

Don’t worry so much. Ego death doesn’t hurt. What hurts is realizing that you’ve been, as they say in Zen, “tied to a post without a rope.” What hurts is admitting that your ego is nothing more than a front for your multilayered self. What hurts is letting go of your expectations. What hurts is letting go –full stop.

Crow is here to help you let go. Crow’s medicine has just the right amount of humor disguised as honor and compassion disguised as courage to fill up the humble pie disguised as a red pill needed to get you past the blue-pill addiction of your un-mighty ego. Sure, Crow shoves it down your unwilling and reluctant throat with a beak blacker than dark matter and harder than God’s Femur, but he gets the job done with a humor of the most-high.

He’s a necessary amoral agent: Zeno’s Compass, Ockham’s hellraiser. He’s here to flip your worldview on its head, to vivisect the animal of your knowledge, to cut what you think you know about the way the world works in half and pluck out the organs of all the things you take for granted. He’s neither gentle nor comforting, but he is sincere in his exact fierceness. He must be, in order to reveal yourself to yourself. In order to transform your whiny, woe-is-me placation into a mighty self-overcoming revelation.

No easy feat, dissolving egos. But Crow does so with pluck and aplomb, with molten mettle and mercurial moxie. The letting go process is easier if you just give your ego over to him to chew-up (courage), to digest (cocoon) and eventually shit-out (rebirth), but he doesn’t mind stealing it from you like a thief in the night either. Actually, he would prefer pulling it out of you kicking and screaming and begging the gods to save you.He would rather stamp out the little light that blinds you so that you can finally see the bigger light that awakens you.

Don’t worry. On the other side of this beautiful annihilation is a soulful illumination: A Three-eyed Raven. He has come to carry you to a terribly exquisite juxtaposition: the gloriously painful journey of self-overcoming…

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About the Author
Gary ‘Z’ McGeea former Navy Intelligence Specialist turned philosopher, is the author of Birthday Suit of God and The Looking Glass Man. His works are inspired by the great philosophers of the ages and his wide awake view of the modern world.
This article (Crow’s God: Ego Dissolution and the Evolution of the Self) was originally created and published by Waking Times and is printed here under a Creative Commons license with attribution to Gary ‘Z’ McGee and WakingTimes.com. It may be re-posted freely with proper attribution, author bio, and this statement of copyright.

http://www.wakingtimes.com/2017/08/04/crows-god-ego-dissolution-evolution-self/

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