I thought something was off about one of her new friends—and my suspicions were right.
We recently moved to a new country and my daughter quickly made some friends who make me uncomfortable. Specifically, there is one boy who used spectacularly sexually explicit language with her in a text, which I find degrading and demeaning.
I found this out because after my daughter came home late from an outing with friends for her birthday, I used that as an excuse to go through her phone, as I’d suspected that there was something off about this boy. To complicate matters, he’s the son of a colleague.
What do you think I should do?
This is a great opportunity to open the lines of communication between you and your daughter around sexuality and relationships. I say “open the lines of communication” because whatever you discuss now will be just one of many conversations to come, and also because these conversations, if they’re to be helpful to her at all, will be not a monologue but a reciprocal and ongoing dialogue.
Understandably, you have strong feelings about what this boy wrote, and you may see this as a chance to share those feelings with her. But before you do so, consider the dynamic that sets up: her voice, and her feelings, get lost. Instead, I urge you to use this more as a chance to hear how she feels about what’s going on with this boy. I know this takes a lot of restraint, but if you come from a place of curiosity, not only will you learn something you may not have known about your daughter and her inner life, but she’ll be more apt to trust you and feel comfortable coming to you when the stakes are even higher.
In this conversation, your honesty with her will serve as a model for her honesty with you. When you bring this up, you might say something like, “I know you may be upset by what I’m about to say, but I’ve had an uncomfortable feeling about some of your new friends, so I looked through your phone. I know I should have brought this up with you instead, and I could be wrong about all of this, but I did see [name of boy’s] text, and I’m curious about how you feel about it.”
Expect her to be mortified and also angry that you went through her phone. Most likely, though, a part of her will be relieved that you brought it up. Many teens wonder how to navigate this new sexual terrain, and their friends are just as confused, so knowing that there’s a calm, trusted adult they can talk to helps them feel safe (even if they pretend otherwise).
As you discuss this, you may also want to understand more about her relationship with this boy. Is he a friend or is more going on between them? Is his interest reciprocated? If she has a crush on him, you can find out what she likes about him. Do they have interests in common? Values? Or is he merely cute or cool? Does she feel pressured by him to delve into territory she’s not ready for or interested in? What does she think motivated him to send that kind of text?
Remember, your job is mostly to listen. If you do want to share your thoughts after you’ve heard her out, you can tell her—again, without judgment—how his text felt to you, which might be a springboard for more discussions around relationships, online behavior, intimacy, expectations, social pressure, the short- and long-term consequences of what people send online, and good decision-making. Ask your daughter what she wants from her relationship with this boy, and how she wants to respond to texts like this. All of these questions will help her step back and really think about what’s happening and what feels good or not so good to her, so she can establish a framework for how she wants to be treated…