Either way, I certainly bled for an answer

by Jeff Gross 

Don’t let anyone tell you different: What you consume as part of your diet and how that food affects your body is, in large part, a crap shoot. 

Thirty years ago, for example, fat was the enemy. Now fat is good (within reason) and sugar is what we should all avoid. MSG was, for years, blood-pressure spiking poison and possibly carcinogenic; turns out, that was all racist fear-mongering, and MSG is a harmless flavor enhancer found in everything from the Doritos you snack on while you’re working from home to the tomatoes you put in your salads and pastas.

What’s that? Eggs are bad for you? Sorry, these guys say different

Peanuts are a heart-healthy snack? Apologies, that’s (possibly) untrue.

It seems like a new study comes out every week about the foods we eat that turns on its head what we thought we knew about what’s good for us (and what isn’t).

So wouldn’t it be cool if we could take a simple blood test and definitively prove what our bodies can handle consuming, and what they can’t?

That’s where my head’s been at for a while now. Well, at least since I started watching what can only be described as a metric ton of Bravo since COVID took the world by storm. Watching said amounts of the reality TV behemoth (on the Bravo TV app, natch) exposes you to the same five or so commercials* that repeatedly run on the app. 

Which is how I heard about Everlywell — i.e., through this very effective ad I’ve now seen, let’s say, 1,000 times:

Now, my tummy often doesn’t feel “right,” something I’ve long attributed to an addiction to spicy foods, cheese and bread. But, shit — you’re telling me it could be almonds? 

Welp, Everlywell, you sold me: I gotta know.

The Problem: I get the tummy rumbles and I don’t know why.

The Potential Solution: The Everlywell Food Sensitivity Test, a finger-prick blood test that measures the IgG reactivity to more than 200 different foods, in order to determine what in the world gives you The Shits. Just kidding — not just The Shits, but any sort of negative reaction (bloating, fatigue, headaches, uncontrollable flatulence etc., etc.). 

How it works is, they send you a testing kit with everything you need to prick your finger and draw some blood. Then you mail it back to them (after setting up a unique ID so they don’t confuse your blood with some other guy’s). Once they’ve received your kit, they re-reroute it to a CLIA-certified lab that tests your blood for high levels of Immunoglobulin G, an antibody that humans generate when something’s in their system that the body doesn’t like. 

After your blood is tested, Everlywell provides a beautiful, easy-to-read and comprehensive report based on which foods had high, moderate, mild and normal reactivity levels, and a few articles on what your options are as far as what to do next.

Jeff’s Marketing Tips, Direct-to-Consumer Edition: As someone who’s worked in marketing for a well-known e-commerce brand, Everlywell really dropped the ball not trying to sell some sort of “fix” or subscription service at the end there to, you know, get their users hooked for life. Gotta talk to someone about that.

*Bravo’s Five Best (and Quite Literally, Only) Commercials, Ranked: We watch a lot of Bravo in our household, and I’m not ashamed to admit it — primarily, Real Housewives of New York/Beverly Hills/PotomacShahsSummer House, Vanderpump Rules (shout out to Scheana Shay and DJ James Kennedy) and the boat shows (Below Deck and Below Deck Mediterranean). 

But watching that much Bravo — specifically on the Bravo Roku app as we don’t have cable — you start to understand that the network only has, like, five ads running at any given time. You see them so much that it starts becoming unintentionally hilarious when you can recite all the lines and sing all the jingles. And, naturally, you start picking your favorites (and when I say “favorites,” I mean the ones that you hear playing in your brain in the middle of the night). These are mine…


F. Kaskais Web Guru

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