Category: Humor

Tracy Moore

Love is a power move

Hot tip: Women don’t typically say “I love you” first in a heterosexual relationship because we know men think we are going to say it first, so we wait and make you say it first because that way it will be more “real.”

Lemme put it another way: Many women play an “I love you” game of chicken, because we have to, or else risk confirming every stereotype alive that we are blinking neon signs of emotional neediness. Yes, there are exceptions, and many people are mature, evolved beings who have no need for such silly games, but we can’t all be brave soldiers in the game of love.

Some context: In an age of Hey, men have feelings, too!, research has resurfaced on the internet that when it comes to those three little words, it turns out that men not only fall in love faster than women, but say it sooner, too. No shit! While the research was celebrated as heartening — proof that men not only have real feelings, but can actually string sentences together on their own to express them without a hard prompt — the ensuing aha! misses the point: Saying “I love you” is, and always will be, one of the earliest, most important power moves in a relationship, and we’ve typically given all this power to dudes, painting women as militants in the game of locking down love. The result? Women feel pressure to hold back.

The research showed up at Broadly, where Jessica Pan explored a 2011 studyof 172 college students at Pennsylvania State University, published in the Journal of Social Psychology. Researchers Marissa Harrison and Jennifer Shortall found that men reported both falling in love earlier and saying “I love you” earlier than women did. This contradicted the authors’ expectation that women would fall in love first and express it first. And popular culture, of course, has long painted women as the more eager gender when it comes to falling in love and committing.

“Surprise!” Redbook wrote of the Broadly piece, remarking that the research “totally debunks the myth that women are the ones who *~fall so fast~* and spend all their time quoting songs about unrequited love.”

Women, of course, know this, but such gendered stereotypes — women be chasin’, men be avoidin’ — hang over all our heads as we move toward the big moment. Harrison’s research was published in 2011; that same year, another study was published on Valentine’s Day in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology. It looked at six studies of male and female behavior in commitment in terms of who says “I love you” first. It, too, found that “although people think that women are the first to confess love and feel happier when they receive such confessions, it is actually men who confess love first and feel happier when receiving confessions.”

So why do we think of women as the ambulance chasers of love, when research has shown again and again that we aren’t? Because we think of falling in love and saying “I love you” as the same thing as wanting a commitment, and women, as we all know, all want commitment.

Take this old bit from Chris Rock, who says women are perennially ready to settle down. “Shit,” he jokes, “a woman go on four good dates, she’s like, ‘Why we bullshitting? What are you waiting for?’ Men, never ready to settle down. Men don’t settle down. We surrender.”…






Age ain’t nothing but a number when it comes to pleasuring yourself

While you might remember your early teen years as some of the more, um, frantic in terms of masturbation, the real action generally comes slightly later: According to the National Survey of Sexual Health and Behavior put forth by Indiana University, men’s solo masturbation habits peak between the ages of 18 and 29. One massive caveat here: It’s important to note that in any study regarding masturbation, the magnitude of underreporting may be substantial.

The frequency of the time-honored hobby declines from age 30 onward, but why does this slow-down happen? Does our testosterone gradually deplete as we age, slowing our sex drive? Or is it that, as 30-somethings with jobs, children and responsibilities, we simply don’t have the time and freedom to crank one out every time we have a spare five minutes? According to experts in the fields of human sexuality, it’s not the years that slow you down — it’s the mileage.

Why We Start Masturbating in the First Place

“Two main factors drive men’s need to masturbate,” says Steve McGough, an associate professor of clinical sexology at the Institute for Advanced Study of Human Sexuality. Those factors: Physiology, or the rise and fall of testosterone and hormones in your body; and psychology, or how your brain uses fantasies and stress relief to influence how often you masturbate.

It all starts, of course, during puberty. “That’s when the hormones really kick in — this is the first factor in causing men to masturbate when they’re young, turning thoughts into fantasies,” McGough explains. “Suddenly, things feel good that didn’t before.” Once you couple raging hormones with other typical teen behaviors (for example, an inability to resist the urge to do whatever feels good in the moment), you’ve got a recipe for masturbatorial frenzy.

“However, hormones begin to decrease in your 20s, then more in your 30s, and more significantly in your 40s and 50s and onward,” says McGough. “Hormone levels and how they change and decline are highly influenced by both genetics and health.”

Notice, McGough says health, not age. It’s a common misconception that age alone causes men to feel fewer regular urges: The truth is that it’s far more tied to physical well-being. So if Gramps is still looking sprightly, chances are he’s still feeling frisky, too.

Healthy Body = Healthy Sex Drive

A 2012 study out of the University of Adelaide found that the drop in testosterone experienced by many men was actually dependent on health factors like depression, weight gain or quitting smoking, rather than age. “If you truly have clinically low levels [of testosterone], your sexual functioning and drive will be impacted,” says Nicole Prause of Liberos LLC, a sexual biotechnology company. “But the usual decreases associated with aging generally aren’t in a range that should affect sexual functioning or drive.” Some research suggests that in fact, testosterone would need to drop by 70–80 percent to truly affect sexual functioning.

This erroneous belief comes from the fact that early scientific studies failed to account for health as a factor, leading to the idea that getting old automatically equals less lead in the pencil. But Prause argues that “health has been the best predictor of sexual activity, including masturbation, in older adults whenever studies include that control.”

Carol Queen, a staff sexologist at Good Vibrations — a site that both sells and promotes discussion around sex toys — agrees. “As hormonal levels shift again in late middle age/early old age, the urge to masturbate may lessen, but often it doesn’t disappear. If a man is in good health, this desire is often retained throughout much of his lifespan.”

Basically, as long as you’re physically active, without any major injuries or disabilities — both physical and mental — your erotic desire will remain steady as you age. “Diabetes, cancer and chemo, circulatory system issues like blood pressure, heart disease, and other neurological issues like depression,” are among the real “libido killers,” according to Queen, since they either dominate your mental state and lower your sex drive, or make you physically unable to endure the rigors of masturbation…





From a pair of boobs to a magazine, not all heartbreakers are humans

John McDermott: I will never love any home (not even my childhood home) as fondly as the first apartment I ever rented. Ever watch a TV show or movie about a gaggle of 20-somethings, and remark on how ridiculously extravagant their apartments are considering they’re all making $35,000 a year? This was the real-world equivalent. The place was enormous — a 1,600-square foot, three-bedroom duplex in Chicago’s tony Lincoln Park neighborhood, renting for a criminally low $2,400 per month. (That was for all three of us, not per person.) The pieces of hand-me-down furniture we cobbled together somehow matched and fit the apartment perfectly, to the point that a female guest once accused us of using an interior decorator. It had exposed brick, high ceilings and two skylights, one of which was in the main bathroom, which made for the most delightful showering experience I’ve ever had. (I almost fell through it one night trying to impress a girl on the roof.) We bought a handmade bar off a guy whose wife made him sell it (classic) and outfitted it with a kegerator so we always had beer on tap. We put a dart board against the exposed brick wall, and had floor-standing speakers so powerful they could be heard around the block (literally) when we cranked them to 11 (which was often). Naturally, we threw parties all the time, much to our neighbors’ chagrin.

I didn’t even get to enjoy that party palace for a full year, as I abruptly moved to New York before my lease was up. I remember thinking when I moved out, I’m never going to live in a place this nice again. The apartment was objectively great, but much of my love for it was not the place itself but how unencumbered I was when I lived there. My second thought before leaving: my life is never going to be this carefree again. Both have proven true.

Josh Schollmeyer: Recently, my wife caught me staring at myself in the mirror. She thought it was out of vanity. In her defense, I have been known to flash my own personal Blue Steel in most everything that provides my reflection — windows, screens, and of course, mirrors. But in this case, she was wrong. It was actually the exact opposite. Two thin strands of blond hair hung from the stubble on my chin, and I was attempting to remove them before anyone else saw them — me most of all.

They were from my head, a fact that has ruined the last several years of my life. Or at least, the last two, which is when I could first admit to myself that my gorgeous blond locks were indeed falling from my scalp and onto my chin, computer, towels and pretty much everywhere else I went (a trail of tears with them). There were probably another good two years of denial: My stylist cut my hair too short on top. My nephew was a misguided toddler when he said that my scalp felt like Grandpa’s. (My dad is bald.) The glare of the sun too powerful in photos and therefore capable of cutting through even the thickest mane, which no doubt whatsoever, mine was. THE SUN WAS JUST TOO GODDAMN STRONG.

Acceptance might be healthier, but it’s still a daily hellscape. I could give a fuck about getting older; my hair, however, was my thing. It was the physical attribute I loved most about myself, and the differentiator in what was otherwise a sea of regularness. Case in point: The woman who cut my hair for the better part of a decade would tell me every time I sat before her, without fail or prompting, that people paid her good money to reasonably approximate my hair color for them. Now, it’s gone. But in the most painful way possible — at the back of my head, meaning I only notice it in pictures (which, if I can, I never allow from certain angles) and when those stray strands dangle from my clothes or face. And that’s just fucking cruel — often out of sight, but never out of mind…




Illustration by Dave van Patten

If everything else about me has changed since I was a teenager, shouldn’t I be jerking off differently, too?

by C. Brian Smith

“Am I pleased with the way I masturbate?”

“Should I stop masturbating the way I have been since I was 13?

“Have I been masturbating the same way since I was 13?”

“Do I even want to masturbate better?”

“Shouldn’t I be more focused on getting laid with someone other than myself?”

These are a few of the questions I’m asking myself as I speed through a rare Southern California monsoon toward Palm Springs on the eve of New Year’s Eve.

My masturbation coach will be expecting answers to these questions.

Or at least to the first four.

I’d heard about the female equivalent on Real Sex years ago and thought of it again recently, after which I Googled “male masturbation coach in California” to see if such a thing existed. The most immediate search results yielded a smattering of SoCal sex therapists (e.g., “Naughty Lifestyle Expert” Sienna Sinclaire), and stories about a San Diego Chargers security guard who was recently filmed masturbating in front of the team’s cheerleading squad. The second page of search results, though, revealed exactly what I was looking for: Masturbation coach Ed Ehrgott, the middle-aged, dual-nipple-ringedowner of Sacred Touch for Men who asks on his website, “Could your solo sexual practice use some juice?”

You bet it could, Ed.

Coach Ed

The fact is, save for the occasional lube adjustment, I masturbate exactly the same way I did when I was 13. There’s nothing particularly pleasing about it, though it’s one of the few remaining dopamine dumps my sober brain is permitted, and it helps me fall asleep in the absence of a blissful fog of booze and benzodiazepines. I’m single, so minding my solitary erotic life is relevant. And I’ve resolved to cultivate a number of self-care practices in 2017; in addition to enhancing my wank, I’m exfoliating and trying to drink eight cups of water a day.

My search also turned up two of the other male masturbation coaches on the planet — Bruce Grether in Texas and Osher Elias in Madrid — as well as Vanessa Marin, a female coach specializing in helping women find their orgasm. “There’s no real certification for masturbation coaches,” Grether tells me, but there are “plenty of people who do it informally. For example, there’s a video called the ‘nine golden keys of mindful masturbation’ that my young friend Blue Tyger produced. He’s a film student, so it’s really well done.”

Across the pond, Elias leads an online Tantric Masturbation Course For Men. Coaching Europeans presents unique challenges and opportunities, he says. “Most men in Europe are uncircumcised and lose a lot of pleasure by not masturbating effectively. They just move the foreskin up and down with two fingers and experience what people hate the most with condoms. When I teach them to make contact with the glans and frenulum, it generates another level of stimulation with a direct connection to the nervous system. They feel like they’re going to explode!”

That all sounded well and good, but I’m circumcised and plenty acquainted with my frenulum. Nor was I looking to fly to Spain (or even Texas) to improve my wank. So I settled on Ed, who was a mere two hours from my L.A. apartment. After a brief phone call, I scheduled a 90-minute, in-person session at his “studio” — a generous term, since it turned out to be the master bedroom of his beige ranch house in North Palm Springs. Despite the rain, I arrived early and killed 30 minutes or so parked out front, awkwardly waving to passing residents of Ed’s gated community…




C. Brian Smith

It’s not just the cold

Shrinkage: Nature’s humble pie. Why does the cold seemingly make everything below the belt seem smaller?

I’ve always assumed it was fight-or-flight related, like a turtle retreating into its shell to hide from the elements. Or was that just a matter of resemblance?

It turns out, however, I was more right than wrong.

“Muscle fibers in the penis stretch when you get an erection,” explains urologist Alex Shteynshlyuger, referencing our recent discussion about growers versus showers, “but they also shrink if it’s cold outside or when you go swimming.”

The reason testicles hang outside of the body in the first place is that optimal sperm production requires a temperature roughly 2 degrees lower than in the rest of the body. If it raises to 98 degrees or higher, Shteynshlyuger says, sperm production ceases, which can negatively impact fertility for months. That’s why the penis and scrotum are both designed to control climate.

Shrinkage occurs when tiny muscle fibers in the penis and scrotum automatically contract to draw them closer to body heat. It also takes place whenever the body sends more blood to vital organs — your heart, lungs and brain foremost among them — to preserve heat and energy in the cold. The reason why? Less blood is now sent to your appendages — namely, your fingers, toes and penis, which can wither to half of its normal flaccid size.

“The mechanism is actually the same with nervousness, tension and stress,” Shteynshlyuger says. That’s because nerves cause the same muscles to contract, which can result in awkward first-date moments. Similarly, a decrease in testosterone can lead to diminishing returns, which explains why so many products are marketed as remedies for “Low T.” There are a variety of reasons as to why testosterone decreases: aging, poor eating habits, tobacco use, taking steroids and relentless boozing, to name a few. The good news is that despite claims to the contrary, Shteynshlyuger insists excessive masturbation is unlikely to cause shrinkage.

On the contrary: It’s actually beneficial to maintaining length since masturbation stimulates the blood vessels and collagen fibers that give skin its stretchability. Speaking of which, due to decreased elasticity in collagen fibers with age, a man can expect to lose an inch or so in penis length by his 70s.

Shrinkage: Aging’s humble pie.




by Tom McParland

In countries where most people commute on scooters or motorcycles, traffic laws seem to be more of a suggestion than a rule. This scooter rider takes on a crazy first person ride that he calls “not that scary” and I almost had a heart attack.

This video illustrates perfectly that you don’t need a fast bike to get around quickly. This little Honda scooter might not pack a big punch, but the rider makes up for it with a superhuman like situational awareness and balls of steel.

What looks to us like an action star trying to escape some bad guys is probably just an everyday commute.





by Tracy Moore

Never, but let’s talk about why

Congratulations, you have a penis. That’s something that can you do a lot of good in this world if you use it right. But let’s say you’ve gotten the idea — from porn, locker rooms, the internet, a medical book, or a someone calling themselves a friend — that your penis simply doesn’t look the penis part, size-wise. And now you’re dating a new person you intend to eventually have sex with. Should you warn them? And if so, when? And how?

That is precisely the concern of a recent Reddit post in the sex subreddit, which reads:

I’m a 5’7″ Asian guy so I don’t think women expect much of me anyway but I’m probably about 4″ erect on average. Some women in real life have told me they don’t want to have sex with a smaller guy, which I am totally going to reserve judgment on instead of being an insecure jerk because everybody deserves to have a good sex life without lying to themselves about what they truly want. I’m just not sure when would be the right time to bring it up to a woman if they’d be okay with what I’m packing. I feel like if I mention it on the first date it’s a little bit TMI, but I also feel like I owe it to a girl to let her know if we’re going to be sexually compatible instead of wasting her time. Girls, would you like to be told bluntly? How and when would you like to know?

Where to start with this? First things first: It must be noted that the letter writer in question here is Asian. Being an Asian man, in this country, at least, comes with an incredible amount of penis baggage, and likely means the letter writer has spent his entire life bombarded with popular images of Asian men as angry, invisible, wimpy or sidekicks, but rarely as romantic leads. And that’s in spite of increasing mainstream awareness about the issue of how Asian men are often depicted in films and on television. It’s a shame so many Asian men don’t know how hot they are, because there are so many hot Asian dudes out there, not to mention plenty of attractive Asian actors as potential candidates for leading men to challenge this outdated notion.

But any shift in hot inclusivity has only happened in the last few years, and proof there’s still blowback from the stereotype that Asian men aren’t sexy or well-endowed came when Steve Harvey joked on his show that Asian men aren’t attractive to women outside their race (he apologized, sort of). Women who date Asian men say they are even asked point-blank if their boyfriend has a small penis. And other Asian men have written about the pervasive sense that they just don’t measure up.

“Never mind that no comprehensive science has conclusively verified the myth,” Alex Tizon writes, in a book excerpt published on Salon, about the perception that Asian men have smaller penises. “Never mind that Google can provide a fair number of visual examples of Asian oaks. Never mind that the myth deeply hurts young Asian men in the West attempting to forge a sexual identity in the midst of overcoming a host of other demeaning perceptions.”

So it’s no wonder this Reddit guy is sweating it. But he should take heart that, of course, this isn’t just an Asian-man issue. All men, we’re told, are insecure about their penis size, even when that size is objectively huge. (Side issue: Is it a grower or a shower? Other side issue: Having a big dick doesn’t mean squat in the good-lover department). Part of the problem is that nobody has a good idea of what an average penis is — to have, or to hold…




Because bottling it up will turn you into a passive-aggressive asshole

You may think you’re doing everyone a solid by suppressing your anger — yourself included. But it’s actually the opposite: The more you seethe, the more you’re doing everyone a disservice — yourself included. Because eventually, that shit is gonna pop up somewhere else.

Or, as a Russian proverb cautions a bit more elegantly, “Feelings that have no vent in words make other organs weep.”

Three of these weeping organs are pretty important ones, too — your stomach, heart and brain, where all of that bottled-up anger has been known to result in ulcers, migraines, strokes and cardiac arrest. And Boston-based therapist Aimee Falchuk says that “stuffed” anger often leads to depression, substance abuse and divorce because it tends to seep out in destructive, passive-aggressive and controlling behavior.

I won’t lose my shit on you now, but you’re definitely going to pay for this.

Falchuk says anger is a natural response to frustration, and that you’re only fooling yourself if you think think you can choose not to experience it — a train of thought she’s even Goop-ified. The key, she argues, is learning how to be angry rather than pretending not to be.

Easier said than done, but she swears it’s possible…

Get comfortable with the fact that you want to put your fist through a wall

“For men especially, when they’re angry, they’re essentially telling someone they have needs, and there may be more shame about those needs than the actual anger itself,” says Falchuk. “So seething is a way to manage an emotion by suppressing it. It’s usually masked by an image of who you think you need to be: It’s wrong to be angry. It’s not manly. It’s not professional. I wouldn’t be a good boss.

“A person could be withholding for other reasons, too. Maybe anger was dangerous historically in their life, and they don’t feel safe with that emotion. In that case, they should listen to their body’s natural response to frustration: Oh, I just held my breath, or made a face, or pulled back my energy. They should stop talking, take a moment and name it. Maybe point it out to whomever was responsible for it: ‘Something you just said hit me a certain way.’ The goal is to shift from being reactive to mindful, and respond to the anger rather than reacting to it.”

Then, find ways to express it that don’t involve putting your fist through a wall

“Find a safe space to reveal it,” Falchuk says. “Go into your house and scream. Jump up and down. Take a kickboxing class or do any form of exercise. Or find a therapeutic setting where you can safely move the energy out of the way, and right behind it will be information about how to heal.”

Or at least a better way to communicate the anger you’re feeling

“If you go in charging and accusing, the person receiving the information will likely become defensive,” Falchuk explains. “That creates more separation. Go into it advocating for yourself rather than attacking. If someone is constantly late, you can either say nothing and build resentment toward that person that gets acted out passively, or you can take the risk and tell them their lateness makes you feel disrespected. Practice faith that if you take the risk of coming clean and admitting what another did has hurt you, it will lead you somewhere.”

It doesn’t mean you have to take the high road, either

“You can be aware that there’s a kid inside you who wants his way,” explains Falchuk. “The more we silence this kid, the more it will act out in other unpredictable ways. So feel the pain that’s underneath the anger. Most likely it’s grief, terror or disappointment. Those feelings probably come with a triggering memory. If you can get to that level of consciousness, you can work through whatever it was that initially hurt you and come back to the present day with a little less charge and tackle it head-on.”…




Illustration by Dave van Patten

Dudes gotta dude, but must you dude like this… to your girlfriend?

Not all relationships are the stuff of fairytales. Just like men, women can be annoying, shitty and bad in bed. It shouldn’t even need to be said, but when you’re dissatisfied with how things are going with a woman (or any partner), there are some perfectly reasonable ways of approaching it that don’t involve harebrained schemes or elaborate lies. Unless you’re these dudes… all of whom happen to be British.

Level Down

Yes, everyone needs a night out away from the old ball and chain on occasion. Flirting with other people on such nights, within reason, is a perfectly legitimate way to remind yourself that you’re still a person inside there somewhere.

But if your flirtations tend to be so steamy that you’re afraid to see anyone your partner knows, you should probably rethink your relationship. Alternatively, you could ask the nightclub where you hang out to ban your girlfriend’s dad so you can chat up other women there without being busted. That is totally what a dude did recently, The Daily Mail reported.

Messaging the club on Facebook, called Level Nightclub in Bolton, U.K., dude asked if they would go so far as to make up an excuse to keep the dad out, because he “can’t relax chatting to other girls knowing he might be in there.” He included a picture of the girlfriend’s father. “Are you joking?!” the club responded. “I’m dead serious pal,” he wrote back. Not to mention stupid. The club posted the exchange on Facebook to mock him.

Find another club, dude. Also: Find another girlfriend.

Bedding Away With It

Don’t want to respond to a woman’s texts while you’re out with your friends? Understandable. But there’s no need to pretend you’re home in bed about to fall asleep — let alone to stage a photo of the bedtime scene. But that is precisely what a 20-year-old named James Greatorex did.

He claims he was trying to hang out with his friends at a bar when a girl he was chatting with via text “continuously sent [him] naked pictures of herself which I really didn’t enjoy,” he told the Metro UK. His friends decided that he should send back a photo of himself going to sleep to convince her to stop. So they helped him stage it by holding up his coat behind him to look like a bed and pillow, and using another coat to look like a blanket. Then he tweeted out his handiwork:

In fairness, it’s not a bad job, all told. Greatorex insisted the prank was a joke, and that he eventually told the girl he sent it to that he was kidding, and she thought it was funny, too.

While this is hardly an egregious offense, we need more info to parse how moronic he is. When he says he didn’t enjoy her naked pictures, does he mean he didn’t like her and wasn’t attracted to her and didn’t want the pictures, or that he did like her and the pictures, but felt it was rude that she was sending them while he was hanging out with friends?

There’s a Grand Canyon of difference between those two situations. The former would demand that he either explicitly tell her to stop sending naked pics or stop seeing her entirely. The latter — he likes her and just wanted to be left alone for the night, she wasn’t respecting it, so he pranked her — might fall perfectly within the realm of shit two people do to each other. She might’ve even have had that one coming…





Illustration by Dave van Patten

by Tracy Moore

At least, according to possibly questionable survey results from an Australian diamond company

Women are complex, nuanced creatures who need to be admired, listened to and taken to a nice dinner at a hard-to-get-into restaurant once in a while. But when you’re fucking them, they would like you to insist that they call you “daddy,” tell them how tight their vag is and remark on how incredible it feels to be inside them. In that order. Got it?

These are the decidedly unscientific results of a “survey” of some 5,000 people by the Australian jeweler Forktip, who, in the service of moving some nice rocks, asked the internet to tell them about the nature of their modern-day romantic entanglements. (Note: We can’t promise you these answers weren’t just totally made up by three sad dudes in a conference room.)

Data via

One question involved asking women what they want to hear during sex (and it wasn’t “two months’ salary”). What to make of this? As we’ve explored in our fetish series, the Daddy Dom/Little Girl fetish is alive and well, which can range from simply uttering the word “daddy” while doing it to an immersive relationship dynamic that hinges on control and submission, and involves a man playing caretaker and patriarch to a woman happily acting the part of the innocent in need of stern guidance.

But clearly, as the survey suggests, you don’t have to have a full-blown fetish to want to be called something synonymous with authority. Regular non-fetish types want to get in on this daddy action, too. They key here, it seems, is that you have to demand she say it. (It’s not as fun if you ask sheepishly.)

As for the other two preferred utterances, they make logistical sense. Being told you have a tight pussy is as important to women as it is to hear you’re beautiful while wearing an acne-fighting mask on your heaviest flow day. Likewise, simply saying sex feels good to your lady lover is a no-brainer (unless it literally doesn’t feel good and then you need to start doing another sort of talking). One could convey this sort of glee in other ways — sounds and/or enthusiasm — but another part of the survey reminds us it’s possible to get too carried away. Forktip asked their participants about the things they don’t like about their male and female partners during sex. Topping the list for women? Weird noises.

It’s not clear what the women surveyed meant by “weird noises,” but informal polling of the women of MEL suggests it could be anything from too much grunting; saying “Oh my god” over and over again to the point of total weirdness; that guy in that episode of Sex and the City who blurts out, “You fucking bitch; you fucking whore!” when he comes; and bodily noises like the unrelenting thwap of balls slapping skin. Hey, what’s a guy to do (tape them?), but it’s distracting — even when it feels good.

Data via

Though it wasn’t included in the Forktip survey, we know from the internet and existing on earth that as soon as early man was aware he had a dick, he asked the nearest woman to remark on its aesthetic properties. So it’s no surprise that men want to hear that they are shockingly well-endowed, that they feel amazing, and that there has never been a more capable, competent lover between your sheets. (Bonus points if you throw in that they have, in effect, ruined you for all other lovers.)

But it’s interesting that women’s other least-desired qualities in a man included “penis too small,” “ejaculates too quick” and “changes position too frequently.” Communication won’t solve the first two, but rhythm matters, and this complaint only underscores why telling a guy when something really feels good is so important, because otherwise he’s probably going to stop doing it.

That said, men in the Forktip survey indicated that “too many noises” from women during sex are a turn-off, too. (Some men have written about their female partners wanting to hear them make noise when they orgasm, only to admit they don’t actually seem to make any.) Women making too much noise is a pervasive enough phenomenon that researchers have studied this so-called copulatory vocalization. Their conclusions? Women ramp up the theatrics to either make a dude feel good about himself, or speed up intercourse so he goes ahead and launches his wad. Nobody likes a faker, but it gets the job done (and the same researchers note that it successfully triggers orgasm in other animals too, like monkeys and baboons).

The takeaway here, as always, is that sex requires some careful embroidering of reality on both sides, but bald-faced lies won’t lead to better sex. Still, we can’t all have tight grips and big dicks, so any sex-haver worth his or her salt should take note that one must go along to get along, especially if you want to be called back for a second audition.




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